Thursday, November 15, 2012

Another Disappointment

My last post had me going Gluten Free, fortunately I didn't have to stick with it.  My doctor tested me for Celiacs disease and I have tested negative.  Thank goodness because I wasn't doing to good, I like my breads and chips too much.  Anyway, since my last post things went into hyper speed.  Shortly after proclaiming to go Gluten Free I had an appointment with my RE to discuss our next step.  Initially we were going to wait a bit to go through with the next cycle, but Cadillac Jack, Luke's company decided to start covering IVF on their insurance!  Because of that decision, we decided to go ahead and use the cycle we had already paid for out of pocket.

Fast forward to October.  On the 18 of October I started on Lupron and Menupur.  The Lupron suppressed my ovaries from ovulating and the Menupur stimulated my ovaries to make follicles.  My body was a rock star this cycle!  We got 30 follicles, which was double what we got my last cycle.  Egg retrieval day we got 20 eggs, that was more than double the last cycle!  Most importantly 10 of those eggs were fertilized!!!!  Out of that we got 5 that we froze and 2 that we put back in my body.

But alas, that is the end of the good news.  Sadly we got the news yesterday that I was not pregnant despite the high hopes all of us including our Dr. had.  We did a day 5 transfer, which is really good because that means that the embryos made it to the blastocyst stage.  Sadly those two little buggers never implanted and quit growing.

Where do we go from here?
Physically: Fortunately we have the 5 that are frozen, so we are looking at doing a frozen cycle in January.  We still have to meet with our RE, to see what he thinks went wrong with this cycle, but that is most likely what he will want to do.  When I talked to him yesterday there were two things that stood out to him.  1) My endometrine was over stimulated.  However in only about 20% of women is this a problem and usually if a women is going to get pregnant it will not be affected by the high levels of endometrine. 2) There was something genetically wrong with the embryos.  There is no way to know at this point, as far as I know.  This will later be discussed at our appointment.

Emotionally/Spiritually: Emotionally I come and I go.  I hate hearing and knowing that literally everyone around me and all my friends, family, and co-workers are pregnant or have just had a baby.  That's a tough pill to swallow when you are struggling with getting pregnant and staying pregnant.  Daily I wonder why?  Why not me?  Why them?  What have I done in my life to deserve this?  Why can't I be blessed with the opportunity to be a parent?  I do ok, until someone tells me or that I hear of someone being pregnant.  It's hard to just see a random stranger who is pregnant.  Why do they get to be pregnant?  Why are they blessed with the opportunity to be parents?  I get mad, I get sad, I run the whole gamut of emotions.
Spiritually: That's a tough one too.  I don't want to lose my Faith and my Trust in God, but there are fleeting moments where I want to give up.  What do I do?  Pray.  I remind myself that there is a greater plan and now I am realizing that my plan and his plan may not be the same.  I want in the worst way to have a biological child.  I want to see what Luke's and my genes create.  It breaks my heart to know that there is a strong possibility that my genes and his genes die with us.  That's not what I have pictured in my head growing up.  That is not how it is supposed to be.  I am scared of adoption for many reasons, the biggest one is I am scared to death I will not love that child as I would love a biological child.  I know that sounds ridiculous, but it is a legitimate concern of mine.  So, I keep praying and praying that one day God will hear my cry (literally) to have a biological child.  And try with all my might not to lose hope, Faith, or Trust in Him.

Many have said let me know if there is anything you can do for me.  The answer is yes.  Pray for me.  Pray that I don't give up on Him.  Pray that my heart's desire is one day realized.  Pray, that my Faith will be restored, where it has been lost.  Pray, pray, pray. I am doing my best, but now I just need that support.  Thanks for hanging in there on this long post.

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